Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
