...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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