I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
This is classic penis vs brain.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
