all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
