I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
My legs feel like baby dolphins
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
