I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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