you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
