Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
