he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
