My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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