i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
