I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Randomize
