i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
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