Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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