We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
