Hippo gnu deer
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
