Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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