I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
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