I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
