things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
