I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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