We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
i think i just lost a toe
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Randomize
