I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
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