I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
