Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
