So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
