omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
