So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Randomize
