Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
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