remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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