I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
i've created a new STD.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
