News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
