I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
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