It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
