I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
