closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
