I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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