sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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