woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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