Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
