I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
accomplished twins. life is a go
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
