21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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