I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
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