Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Randomize
