I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
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Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
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You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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