I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
sex in a hospital.. check
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
