i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
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She said she wanted to have closure sex.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
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