i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
