I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
