I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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