so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
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I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
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I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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