he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
