just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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