just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
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