So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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