i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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